


Tiptoeing around

by alive_polish_fan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Case Fic, Castiel Watches Netflix (Supernatural), Castiel just wants to help, Dean Winchester in Denial, Denial of Feelings, Feelings, Ghost Possession, Ghosts, How Do I Tag, Loneliness, Lonely Sam Winchester, Love, M/M, Talking, like lots of talking, seriously its mostly dialogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:08:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alive_polish_fan/pseuds/alive_polish_fan
Summary: The Winchesters are called to help with what might possibly be a ghost possession. Sam contemplates their lives and Dean struggles to make up his mind. Somewhere in the backgroung, Castiel discovers and explores the nature of Netflix.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 2





	Tiptoeing around

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Szczuropies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szczuropies/gifts).



> Okay, so here’s my very first SPN fic. I wrote it because the idea was there and I’ve had enough headaches for one lifetime. Very first work in English as well and though I’d like to thank my lovely beta [Master_Of_Nyom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Master_Of_Nyom) (you’re a star, I’m not worthy of your skills), I also do apologise for any mistakes that might still be there. Feel free to sue me.
> 
> I’d also like to thank [Szczuropies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szczuropies) for saying “I like”, making sure Dean remains himself, and highlighting the questionable parts. It almost made me delete the draft. Thank you, Angel, you’re family. 
> 
> It IS a Destiel fic, even if Cas is not there most of the time and there's nothing substantial. As to the timeline, the whole thing takes place between episodes 4 and 5 of season 11. I’d like to pinpoint that I’m absolutely obsessed with keeping everyone in character (as much as I can), and even more obsessed with not doing anything against the Canon. A friendly warning perhaps.

**NOW**

It’s nearing dawn when Sam finally sits in the Impala’s driver’s seat with a tired sigh. He closes his eyes for just a moment, relaxing his muscles as Dean joins him in, making sounds not actually close to a sigh, more groan-like. His shoulder is hurt and he keeps a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a bunch of tissues against it. Though he was constantly eye-rolling and muttering about how _pussy_ it was, The Thankful Lady insisted he should take it.

“Can’t believe I can't drive because of some ghost son of a bitch. It's like having the greatest pleasure in life taken away”, he says, looking at the steering wheel with a mixed expression on his face. Sam snorts.

“I’m sure girls will still be interested, Dean.”

“Baby is much more than just some chick. And there's no wheel like the steering one”, he replies and then grimaces in pain as he tries to move his shoulder. “Son of a bitch.”

Sam starts the engine and shoots Dean a worried yet amused look, “It was both a pretty pissed _and_ strong ghost. And may I remind you, possessing a body of a quite big man.”

He starts driving, checking the sides and hitting the road with a turn.

“Still. Am I getting old or something? And this frozen green– I don’t even know. It’s lame.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re not getting old with that ten-year-old-like attitude of yours.” Sam rolls his eyes.

“Piss off.”

They drive in silence for about forty minutes. In absolute silence, which is totally Sam’s doing as he believes the rising sun, towards which they’re heading, wouldn’t find an appropriate soundtrack for itself anywhere in their car. No, _Dean’s_ car. He obviously would correct Sam if he said Baby was theirs. Or at least think of doing that.

But now Sam is the one thinking. Both hands on the wheel he’s deep in thought and some sort of contemplation. Dean’s silent too, muttering something in the lines of _son of a bitch_ from time to time, or grunting when he tries to move his shoulder normally a few times.

“Still with me, Sammy?”, he asks at some point, frowning at his brother. “Whatcha thinkin?”

Sam takes a deep inhale and blinks three times, ripped right out of his thoughts. “I’m a– Nothing. I’m just thinking.”

“Come on, talk to me. Can’t sleep anyway. Whatcha thinkin ‘bout?”

“Love”, Sam replies after a brief silent moment.

“Love?”, Dean repeats, arching one of his eyebrows as if he doesn’t believe he’s just heard what he has. “That’s a new one.”

“Yeah, I–”, Sam manages to smile. “I was just thinking about Rebecca and Tom.”

“Who?”

“Dean, seriously. The people we’ve just helped.”

“Right. Yes, of course. Of course! I was just testing you.” Sam smiles and shakes his head for it is another episode of _I totally knew it_ by Dean Winchester. 

“So, yes, I was thinking about them. The love they have.”

“What about it?”

“Well, it’s just… there. Didn’t you see it? We talked to Rebecca alone, and then when he was back to himself again, and she was so changed– Okay, I don’t know how to explain it. You won’t like that, but it’s like you could see the mutual affection radiating from them. It felt heartwarming.”

Dean snorts, “What, you got some halo or whatever? Sensing people’s auras or something? Is that your psychic thing kickin’ again?”

“No, Dean”, he snaps, “I just saw it was there. Don’t need no mojo to do that. The point is, it made me think.”

“About? Cause dude, I don’t see your point. So, they love each other. Cool, we meet many couples like that.”

“Yeah? Like whom?”

“It’s not like I’m writing names down! Many people love each other, Sam.”

“Yes! Exactly! Many. Most of humanity, I’d say, but not all of them are like them. Also, not the point completely. My point is, we don’t.”

Dean snorts again. “Okay, I’m not, but you’re totally getting old. Is this some sentimental middle-age depression thing, some magical realisation of being alone?”

“Funny.”

“Hilarious, I’d say.”

Sam sighs. “Don’t ask those ridiculous questions, just let me finish. We don’t love anyone like that. At least not right now. It’s not about being alone, cause we’re not. We’ve got each other, and Cas, and Jody, and we’ve had Bobby, Jo, Ellen... My point is about the feeling.”

“What feeling?” Dean’s frown reaches another stage and he turns his back to the door to face Sam.

“Of loving. Care. Affection. That’s stronger than physical attraction, and you just feel like… you love someone. And that you’re not alone. I’m pretty sure I must have felt like that with Jessica, but honestly… I can’t remember it.”

“Well, it was years ago. And she literally died burning your house to dust. You must’ve _pushed it away_ or something.”

“Deny, Dean. I thought I’ve come to peace with it. It’s horrible. Almost like I’ve never felt like that at all.”

“Well, I haven’t.”

“Never?”

“Nope.”

“Not even with Lisa?”

The question is pointless, since Sam knows it’s impossible. Lisa – the imaginary symbol of peaceful, perfect, normal life for Dean, must have made him feel a bit of love, but at the same time was surely built on the sentiment towards their past. And the promise made to Sam. As if it was almost forced on Dean by himself mostly. And he wasn’t fully happy. Not to mention he would never fit in an ordinary life. Dean just wasn’t that kind of person, even if he had used to strongly convince himself otherwise.

“I guess not. I would know, right?”

“Definitely.”

“So, you’re basically saying that we’re screwed up and lead a miserable loveless life, and you’ve got amnesia.”

“No, I’m just– Well, okay, maybe. I’m just saying that compared to Rebecca and Tom, to the feelings they have, our lives seem… kinda cold.”

“Kinda cold? Dude, it’s hot as hell in here! The adrenaline, the rush, the… chasing and hunting. And all that crap from upstairs and downstairs that we’re constantly being hit with? It’s burning hot. ”

Sam can’t help but chuckle. “Yes, of course, that’s totally the same thing.”

There’s a moment of silence and then Sam speaks again.

“At least _I_ am pretty sure there was Jess. What about you?”

Dean shrugs. “Told you. Never happened. Doesn’t seem like my thing. All those… _feelings_ and _talking_ about feelings and _feeling_ feelings. I’m a simple man. I like beer, girls, burgers, and my Baby. And my baby brother. And that makes me happy.”

“Oh does it? And, Dean, don’t try convincing me you don’t get feelings. Come on, when you feel something, you have it written all over your face. Everything. Sadness, happiness, loss, grief, anger, irritation, fear, worry… _love_.”

“When have I ever had love written all over my face?” 

Dean reached his defensive mode, and Sam can’t help feeling amused by pushing him further. „Whenever you look at Baby”, he says with a sigh. Lying. 

“Makes sense.”

There is another long moment of silence and Dean notices Sam biting the insides of his cheeks. Something he hardly ever does. So Dean frowns again, “Is this really bothering you that much?”, he asks, getting rid of the frozen peas through an open window. It became wet and impossible for him to hold any longer. 

It takes Sam a moment to reply. “It just feels like something I’d like to have in my life. It seems so… good. And I wonder if I will ever have someone like that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy as long as you’re alive and fine here with me. I just wouldn’t mind expanding that close circle a bit.” 

“Well, she would have to hunt with us. And she _would not ever_ take the shotgun”, Dean says and it’s a lame joke really, but Sam chuckles anyway.

And then the silence falls and having Sam’s face lit now more with the rising sun, Dean can even better see the cheek-biting.

“What else?”, he asks, for Sam is surely thinking about something else.

“Are you really sure you’ve never had anything like that?”

“Yeah? Told you. Not my thing.”

“What about Cas?”, Sam asks completely out of the blue and Dean literally chokes on the leftovers of some soda he just found pressed between the seat and the door. He coughs for several seconds, tears coming to his eyes, and finally wipes everything with his sleeve, hissing at the pain that the arm gives him in addition.

“What?!”, he snaps, “What about Cas?”, he finally manages to reply. “Care to elaborate?”

Sam shrugs, never taking his eyes off the road. “It’s a simple question, really. You said you’ve never felt love slash deep affection towards anyone and I asked about Lisa, now I’m asking about Cas.”

“You’re asking me if I’ve ever felt _deep affection-slash-love_ towards Cas?” His eyebrows are now in a new, aggressive position, and his lips are parted slightly. Disbelief, irritation and panic mixed on his face. 

“Yes.”

“Now I just wish I had fallen asleep before you started all this stupid love-thing-talk.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Because it’s stupid! Cas is a friend, like Bobby was or Jody is. Love! Whatever goes on in that mind of yours, quit it!”

“That still doesn’t answer my question.” There’s a hint of a smile crooking on Sam’s lips. There goes more pushing.

“Dammit, Sam! No! What kind of question is it, anyway?”

“A normal one. No need to freak out. Nor to yell, I’m like one foot away from you.”

“Oh, sure, it’s a normal question. Do _you_ love Cas?!”

“No. But I’m not you. I don’t have those long stares you two share. And I don’t have that bond thingy, whatever it means anyway.”

“Hey, hey, there’s no _bond_ or anything, okay? He’s just a friend. A close one, he’s family. Right? Family.”

“Right. Family. Noted.”

“Yeah, better remember that.”

“But really?”, Sam asks and Dean feels like jumping right through the window and out, as far away as he can. Or at least grabbing his gun and _accidentally_ pointing it at his baby brother. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m just trying to establish the facts here. And you two do kinda present some possible facts. You really are different around each other–”

“Sam. You know, you can do that thing where you just shut the hell up. It would be perfect if you did it now.”

“No, Dean, I will not shut up about it! I–“

“Shut the hell up right now or I swear to– every single thing existing, I will kick you right out of that car!”

Sam glances at him. “I’ve got the wheel. Won’t work. Come on, just talk to me. Hypothetically.”

“ _Jeez_ ”, Dean groans. “Just kill me now.”

“No intent to. Dean, understand me, I just want to get it. What if there is a case here?”

“Case? Of what? Love? Sam, seriously. I’m a male human, I like beer, nude Asian girls in their twenties online and a hot girl in a bar any night off. I walk, I breathe, I eat and I sleep. And Cas is… Cas. He’s a friggin’ angel. He’s not even close to either Asian or a girl.” 

“Dean, I’m not talking about attraction here. And I’m not even close to sexualising this. Can you just get the concept of deep affection towards someone that has _nothing_ to do with the physical? Don’t tell me life has damaged you that much.”

“Yeah, I get it. Again, not my thing.”

Sam snorts, “I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re desperate for it! And you don’t even know that! You’re like a bottle full of emotions and whenever you open it, all you can pour out is some pathetic bits of sexual connection. And don’t tell me you don’t feel emotions, cause you do. Like an erupting volcano. All of them possible. Including love, I’m sure of it. If I’m capable of love, then so are you. You just don’t let yourself do that.”

Dean is now looking at Sam in a way that’s showing he wants to murder him right now or at least cut his damn tongue off. 

“Okay, different thing. Have you ever actually _felt_ something towards any of those awesome heroines of your one-night-stands?”

“Sure. Attraction, ecstasy… joy, excitement… heat… closeness… appreciation of beauty…”

“Wow. I didn’t even know you could name so many emotions–”

“Screw yourself.”

“But what you said is sex-centerd! And physical, purely. Dean, I’m doing this the hard way. When does your face light up to somebody’s presence? When Cas is around. When do you go for a hug, and not to say hello, like to Jody for example? When Cas is the one you’re hugging. When do you look people so intensely in the eyes while not even angry or irritated? When it’s Cas’ eyes you’re staring into. You’re practically _mesmerised_ whenever he appears and you take one glance at him. And you get so tense around him. Sometimes. But what always happens when Cas is gone, not answering his phone? You go _nuts_! You barely sleep, you’re in that kill-mood of yours and you snap at everybody, carrying a bottle of scotch everywhere!. And the talks of you two? Seriously, you’re like an old married couple already. And that’s just the past, not to mention the last couple of days. I’ve never seen you care about anyone as much as you care about him. You’re getting frustrated when he wouldn’t just sit and rest to heal properly. And if you don’t wanna admit it out loud, fine. But admit it to yourself. Because I swear, what I’ve seen and felt in the air around Rebecca and Tom? It’s always there when it’s you two. Always. I know you, Dean. You can’t blame it on anything.”

Dean’s fist of his healthy arm is clenched on his thigh, just as his jaw, and he’s staring into space before him, perfectly still, with cheeks slightly flushed. His eyebrows seem to have relaxed, though. After Sam goes quiet, he doesn’t break the silence for a really long while. Almost for ten miles. 

“So–“ He clears his throat. It became sore. “You brought their wonderfully-felt love up just to hit me with all this…”

“Bullshit?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, but you wanted to.”

“ _Crap_. I go for crap.” Another pause. “I don’t love Cas. I can’t love Cas”, he says after a moment.

“Why not?” Now it’s Sam’s turn to frown in massive misunderstanding and mindfuck.

“Because it _doesn’t make sense_.”

“What?”

“He’s not a girl. He’s not even a bloody human. He’s wearing a damn trenchcoat. And I’m freakin’ straight.”

“Told you it’s not about the physical.”

“But… shouldn’t it, like, come together? How can I love someone that can’t give me the sex I want. I don’t wanna give up sex. It’s like a package, right?”

“I don’t know, Dean. But I’m glad you finally admitted it.”

“You’re messing with my head. I didn't admit shit”

“Not out loud. Not _yet_.”

Another while of silence passes and Dean doesn’t change his position apart from unclenching his fist. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“Why not? Because it doesn’t add up? Because it’s something completely new and never happened before? Dude, that can’t make it any less real, you know?”

Dean shifts slightly. “I guess.” There’s a sensible pause before he goes again, saying the words very slowly as if to check how it sounds to actually say them. “I. Love. Cas. I love Cas.”

“I know, Dean.”

And Dean doesn’t say another word. And will absolutely _hell-not_ gonna tell Sam that the saying-out-loud thing made him feel very warm inside. Even if he's not sure if he meant it. Because he loves Cas. Somehow. Perhaps. He’s guessing. His face expresses a genuine confusion. 

“You’re a dick, Sam, you know that?”

“Yeah”, Sam lets out a chuckle, “Established years ago.”

“A real pain in my ass. Bitch.”

“Jerk”, Sam replies instantly, smiling. And he’s smiling throughout the rest of the drive.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been in a really bad mood all morning and it's probably gonna last for a while. Initially, I wanted to post it in a week or so, but I'm tired of waiting. And that makes Tuesday the Posting Day. 
> 
> Next week: A little timeskip to post-episode 4, the very beginning of the whole ghost case. 
> 
> I hope you liked it, it really means a lot to me. See ya on September 1st :)


End file.
